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CV3000 Makes EPIC Comeback!

Note: Sorry duckies, we were only kidding!  CV3000 is back for the season.  Here we  have an exclusive interview with this celebrity Oregon State blogger.


Denver Police Pepper Spraying Protesters?  Nope.  CV3000 Spraying Serious Truth. via

Jake: You've had quite a long layoff since you were fired. What have you been doing to stay in shape?

CV3000: I've been staying away from the chilidogs and really hitting the 12 ounce curls to make sure I'm ready for Stanford. I added in some 1 ounce lifts for endurance, as well. I think that should help as the season goes on.  Been reading some articles, too.

Jake: Why were duck fans calling for your head?

CV3000: Not really sure.  All I did was tell them the truth about the talent level of their offensive line and provide a link to a newspaper article that says they block below the waist.  I always thought that was just a euphemism.

Jake: Who was calling for your head? Do you think it was fair?

CV3000: The duck fans who were mad at me are the same ones who were mad that John Canzano and The New York Times both wrote about Colleen Bellotti attacking a journalist in the press box at their stadium. 

Of course, these are also the same fans who think that Justin Roper was their 5th string quarterback last year, when he was clearly the 2nd best one that played.  ]Obviously, you don't even have to know who Cam Colvin is to recognzie that their coaches historically have some talent evaluation issues--ed.]  And they're the same fans who say that Roper can't be a good option quarterback, because they say he's "not agile enough."

In actuality, Roper's shuttle run time is MUCH faster than Jonathan Stewart's was.  So that pretty much tells you all you need to know about how informed their fans are.  They also booed Dennis Dixon at Autzen Stadium last year.  That needs to be pointed out in this paragraph.

Jake:  Booing Dennis Dixon at the Houston game last year was pretty classless, even by UO fan behavior standards.   Wait.  Roper is more agile than Jonathan Stewart, a first round draft pick at running back?  Is that true?

CV3000: Google that (lawyers).  20 yard shuttle drill:



 don't think that means Stewart is technically a stiff.  I look at it as: duck fans can't read good.

[You should always add .24 seconds to convert hand-timing (which Roper's time probably is) to electronic times (which Stewart's definitely is, as his was from the NFL combine)--ed.]I

Jake: Wow.  That's a big difference. 

So what surprised you the most about this whole situation?

CV3000: I really had no idea that duck fans would be so upset with the truth coming out about their team and so committed to keeping the truth a secret.

Jake: What is the truth about their team?

CV3000: Everyone knows that they haven't won the Rose Bowl since World War 1 --except for their own fans -- who think that they're an "elite" program.

Jake: What other things do you think they would be surprised to know?

CV3000: Well, I think that they would be surprised that their coach has a losing record against coaches currently in the Pac-10, 17-23!! And he has a losing bowl record.  In fact, their school has the worst bowl game winning percentage in Pac-10 history, and the fewest bowl wins.

Did I mention that they're 9-9 in the conference over the past 2 seasons and their fans still act like they're important?

17-23 against his peers, and their fans act like you're killing Bambi again if you even suggest that he's not one of the current top 5 coaches in the conference-- I just don't get it. 

It seems like a lot of them think that winning isn't a required element of success.

Jake: That doesn't strike us as elite.  Sounds more like mediocrity than anything.

CV3000: You said it.  Their fans also like to perpetuate the myth that their team has more talent than the Beavers--erroneous, unforgivable arrogance.

Jake: You mean the Beavers are more talented than the ducks?

CV3000: Clearly.  Year after year, Oregon State puts more players on the All Pac-10 team than anyone besides USC.  Last I checked, OSU has a LOT more players on the all-time  conference production lists for rushing, receiving, and passing--and from recent times, too.

Not only that, but the ducks' 5th fastest player runs a 4.71 40 yard dash.  That's pretty (lawyers) slow for the 5th fastest player of any team--and it's got to be embarrassing  for them that they only have 4 players besides their kicker who run under 4.7.

You would think that these facts would sink in down in Eugene and maybe temper the arrogance and output of misinformation, but ...they do have all of that meth production.  I think it might be impairing their judgment.


Look for a line of signature CV3000 products on an infomercial near you

Jake:  Now that you've come back, do you have any plans to endorse a signature line of ergonomic keyboards?

CV3000: No, but I toyed with the idea of changing to CV45.  It didn't really have the same futuristic ring to it that I like, though.

Jake: In the face of all the allegations, why did you come back?

CV3000: Besides... for the ladies, you mean? 

I've got nothing to hide.  I will continue to be one of the only sources of information that is NOT polluted by the propaganda machine in eugene.  I just tell it like it is.  All of those fans of the 2002 Seattle Bowl "participants" who think that their team is better or more talented than the Beavers are just going to have to deal with the truth if they want to stop by this blog. [And they do stop by, 40% of our readers are jealous duck fans--ed.]

That's really all I'm here for: I serve as a true parody of every arrogant duck fan who ever lived.  Your hard work has finally paid off.  If you don't like what I'm writing, then I'm probably writing it because of something you said.


Ignorance is eugene, anyway.

So you're here to fight their Masters in Folklore degree program?

CV3000: Ha.  That's HILARIOUS!  There's such a thing as a Masters in Folklore?

Now we know what to call their entire fanbase, Masters in Folklore.