In order to prepare us for the upcoming season, we bring in Barry Bolton and John C. Witter, who would like us to tell you that they are the Senior and Managing Editors of the site COUGFAN.com. They're here to enlighten us on the Pac-10 representative from Pullman, who the Beavers will host on November 11th.
There are many pre-season predictions about your team. Why are they all so horribly wrong? Give us specifics.
COUGFAN.COM: The Paris Hilton ad, high gas prices, the whole Brett Farve thing, they're all contributing factors and not necessarily in that order. Oh, and all the pundits are no-talent ass-clowns. It's long been evident many of the "old media" guard are lazy schleps who know more about the business end of an aerosol cheese can than they do about college football. (On a completely different matter, we'd still like to buy advertising space on Ted Miller's forehead, though.)
Last season was a dream-come-true/nightmare/uneventful for your team. How do you expect that to affect this year's team? Convince us with a meaningless, out of context statistic.
COUGFAN.COM: Three reasons. Disappointing campaign last year to be sure, but new man Paul Wulff has never lost a single game as the WSU head coach. A stunning factoid and yet there's been more interest expressed by ESPN as to whether Pete Carroll uses Prell or Pert for his conditioner. (We hear, interestingly enough, he's more the Breck Girl type.) Secondly, Washington State has gone bowling every year there's been a bumper wheat crop on the Palouse, and the silos this year are forecast to again be chock full of wheaty goodness come harvest time. Given the strength of those two statistical points, surely we don't need a third.
Who doesn't love the Palouse?
Who is your best player--what is the signature play of his career? Convince us of his greatness by comparing him to a superhero or movie character.
COUGFAN.COM: Brandon Gibson. Winning Apple Cup TD catch last season. He's Batman. Kicks ass and makes DBs look like jokers. Cuts a much more compelling figure than any of those Howard the Duck types down in Eugene.
Who does he rely on to achieve such greatness? Who is his sidekick or supporting character?
COUGFAN.COM: Please. Batman has no Robin. The Boy Wonder wouldn't last five minutes on the Palouse and frankly, would be well served to stick to what he knows best -- Los Angeles and lard. But if you insist on this line of questioning, guess you could say QB Gary Rogers will be his Commissioner Gordon. He'll flash the Bat Signal and all will be right in Gotham -- which right minded people in pleasant society often refer to Pullman as, you know. Always had a thing for Catwoman, by the way. Julie Newmar is still our favorite, but Halle Berry wore the tights with honor too. Sorry what was the question again?
Your fans have many traditions surrounding the sport of football. What are some of your most questionable traditions? Do you have any good ones that aren't laughably ridiculous?
COUGFAN.COM: The rally tequila. Sure, the other Pac-10 fan bases are too delicate to keep up with Wazzu's here but they can also take solace in this: Those three consecutive 10 win seasons earlier this decade? They did produce some strong personal challenges for the Cougar Nation. Like how to get home after waking up on the hood of the mayor's car in Toronto at 7am Sunday morning and having no recollection of an obviously demonstrable amount of time spent in a dyslexic tattoo parlor. Make no mistake, 10-win seasons and permanent ink are no laughing matters.
Napoleon (and later, Abba) had Waterloo, Sen. Larry Craig had difficulties meeting like-minded men; what will be the downfall of your team this year?
COUGFAN.COM: Only getting to beat up on the Huskies once. Unlike Larry, though, the Dawgs have perfected the art of the stall toe-tap.
Your team would be unrecognizable to its own fans without strength in a certain area. What is your team's secret sauce?
COUGFAN.COM: What the hell kind of question is that? Fine, we'll play along. The quarterback position. Although some residents of the Cougar Nation -- not us -- would tell you that during the last few years the secret sauce was a weaker-armed blend of ketchup and mayonnaise when what was needed, in reality, was some good old fashioned mustard on the pigskin. Look, we appreciate you asking us to participate in this and all, buildingthedam.com, but when do we get paid. Charter plane tickets to Corvallis and other tenets of a lavish lifestyle don't just pay for themselves now, do they.
Thanks, guys! We'll see you in November.