Note from Management: CV3000 is a master of diplomacy and renowned world traveler, he speaks many foreign languages. This week, we send him to another unsavory corner of the globe to test his skills in translating smack talk: Lane County, OR--one of the top Methamphetamine producing regions in the nation (this, according to their county's official website)
Greetings. CV3000, here! Today's translation comes to you from something called 'addicted to meth quack' where, apparently, these fans--of a team which has only finished ahead of Oregon State twice in the Pac-10 conference during the current century, have a little bit of a Beaver fixation. This, evidenced by their THREE CONSECUTIVE, OBSESSIVE, and (the only time they've ever been called this) LENGTHY posts describing what they quizzically deem their "lack of obsession" with the Beavers. VE RY INTERESTING! Let's see what they're trying to say. I will now translate their foreign language propaganda into plain English:
"First off, I want to apologize for my absence the past week. Some unforseen computer issues have taken me completely offline since last Thursday, although we should have those fixed by now."
"I want to discuss an issue that I had no intention of bringing up again, but whiny Beaver fans have started sniffling again. I was listening to Gavin Dawson last night, and the topic (Ted Miller's claim about Oregon being hated), quickly devolved into the same old whine from Beaver fan "both teams have similar records over the past few years, why is Oregon so overrated and the Beavers so underrated" bullshit yawn yawn yadda yadda. I guess we'll have to go over this again because Joe Beaver is too stupid to get it through his bucktooth skull."
Translation: Beavers shouldn't complain about having a better program than the other team in this state. Trust me guys--I speak from experience--fading in conference play 75% of the time with the players currently on the team is pretty tough year after year after year. I am also jealous of the fact that you guys still have teeth, considering the typical side effects of our local epidemic.
"For the sake of Beaver fan, I have put together a list of major reasons nobody gives a flying shit about Oregon State football:"
Translation: I am envious of your superior football program, Beaver fans. I will now astound you with ironclad logic, and prove to you how great you are. (translator listens intently)
"1. Your national perception is that of a loser. I'll give you credit, you guys usually pull it together late, and end up with a decent record at season's end. However, due to our mind-boggingly stupid TV contract, most of your national TV games are non-conference early in the season."
Translation: As your little sister, I'm jealous of how the Beavers are 15-3 (THE BEST RECORD OF ANY TEAM IN THE CONFERENCE) in October, November, and December over the last 2 years. I wish that my favorite team was good enough to not have lost 11 games--in November and December--when you only look at years with players who are currently on the roster. I am jealous.
"And those are the impression most people have of you. Blown out by Cincinnati. Blown out by Boise State. Blown out by Louisville. Drilled by Fresno State as SI's preseason #1. In your one decent showing, you lost to LSU because you couldn't make 1/3 extra points. Other than LSU, these aren't even great programs, and your getting drilled. Also notice how none of these games are in Corvallis (can't get anyone to play in the Burrito?)"
Translation: I watch A WHOLE LOT of Beaver Football because I am obsessed with Oregon State. What I notice is that the Beavers lose to teams that are clearly better and ranked higher than my team in the year that they lost to them, teams like: Louisville, Boise State, Cincinnati--all teams that were light years ahead of my team that year! Even that time you lost to Fresno State in our--and their--best year, they had 11 wins and one of the biggest NFL draft busts in history at quarterback, just like us!
I am also jealous of your home field advantage--there is an entire generation of fans of my team who have never seen us as anything but losers in your stadium. Very good out of conference teams are afraid to schedule games in Corvallis. I sure wish that Indiana would have been afraid to come to our stadium--that's why we named it after alumni of your university! We thought it would make them afraid of us. I guess it didn't work.
And a thing of beauty is a joy forever. (via here)
"Meanwhile, these same national TV fans have seen Oregon beat Michigan twice, including one of the worst losses in Wolverine history. We've beaten Oklahoma, Wisconsin, and Fresno State five times in a row. Yes, we always seem to blow a late season matchup with Arizona or Stanford, but national TV audiences see Oregon beat big teams. They see OSU get drilled by mediocre ones."
Translation: It sure was cool to beat the team that lost to a Championship Division team the week before. Well, at least it WAS COOL--until we found out that meant 1-AA! OOPS! Instead of the nation focusing on us, we just got to prove how bad they were! Perhaps you saw our amazing victory over Oklahoma, as well? Not a lot of people know about that game. We consider it one of our greatest wins, ever! I am also bragging about: losing to Arizona, getting SHUT OUT at UCLA, and losing countless bowl games--all on national television! Nobody sees our losses though!! Just yours. Not even the 5 times we've lost to the Oregon State Beavers this century. Nobody sees that on national television. How could they? Not if it's on national TV!!!
Also, in case you were curious, when you beat USC for their first loss in more than 30 conference games, it wasn't a national story. People didn't watch it on every football show. It wasn't on the news. Guess what? It probably never happened. Same thing when you beat Cal last year in that game when they were poised to take over the #1 ranking. You know why? Duh, Beaver fans--nobody saw that game, either--because it was on national television. Remember?
"2. Nobody watches the (Las Vegas/Emerald/Insight Bowl). Beaver fans, you've been to one bowl this decade that anyone really cares about (Fiesta, maybe Sun counts as a half, so 1.5). Meanwhile, Oregon has been to a Fiesta, two Holiday's, and two Sun Bowls (so four, if you count the two Sun Bowls as a half each). We've beaten Texas and Colorado, and played Oklahoma fairly even. You did beat Notre Lame, to your credit but, lets be honest. Does anybody give a damn that you beat Maryland in the Emerald Bowl, or New Mexico in the Vegas? This is why we don't give a shit about the BYU game--nobody outside of Oregon or Utah even remembers it happened."
Translation: All of the Pac-10 bowl games are nationally televised! Most of them are on at times when it is the only game on--so that all football fans are watching them across the whole country! I am bragging about how my team has lost 5 bowl games this century, while your team has won 5!! Don't you get it? I have to recall results game results from the previous century to say anything that begins to give my argument any traction.
Also, I wish that people across the country didn't remember that Kirk Herbstreit called the team that has only finished ahead of Oregon State twice in the current century, the "Paris Hilton of college football," but they DO remember it. AND it fits. I should face the facts, all of the Beavers out of conference opponents for the coming season have played in BCS bowls more recently than my favorite team. Ugh.
"3. Nobody has any reason to consider you a serious contender. You're 1-2 almost beforet he season starts. And that one win is often against (insert 1-AA foe here). You can say what you want about Oregon's late season swoons (and, really, that's just the last two seasons, not some longstanding issue), but at least we are contenders at some point (see #2 in November last season). We may have finished near the same point last year, but why should anyone talk about a team that barely squeaked into the top 25 at the end of the season.
That's really the long and short of it. While finishing fourth in the conference every year is consistent, that is pretty much OSU's ceiling. Oregon will have a down year from time to time where we finish fifth or sixth, but we are in competition for a conference championship on a regular basis."
Translation: I know I said the late season swoons were unique to the last two seasons, but I conveniently forgot to say that we lost 5 of the last 6 in 2002, 3 of the last 4 in 2004, 4 of the last 5 in 2006, 3 of the last 4 in 2007--my bad. I meant to say that we have late season collapses 80% of the time, but only 3 out of 4 years with the athletes currently on our roster--so things are really looking up!
I also pegged the Beavers' "ceiling" at 4th in the conference, when they have actually finished in 3rd in 3 of the past 4 seasons--so I guess I had the two teams mixed up. Heck, the Beavers even finished 3rd while breaking in a new quarterback, replacing the most starters of any team in the conference, and losing 2 All-Americans early on, so I really got to hand it to 'em for proving the depth of their program. I also forgot to say that my favorite team has finished ahead of the Oregon Beavers only 2 times in the current century. Not only that, but the Beavers continue to put more players than all but USC on the All-Conference team, so I'm jealous that they're more talented, too! That's why I'm SO obsessed.
Oh, and [...uh...CV3000 is a little confused by the local dialect and needs some help with this translation, because he doesn't understand what this fan of the 5th place team means by "in contention" and "on a regular basis," so we call upon pure-orange.net poster, Mike84 for his help. Here's what Mike84 had as an answer:]
"...(they) "contend" for the conference championship all the time, like 2002: 3-4 after 7 PAC-10 games. 2003: 4-3 after 7 PAC-10 games. 2004: 4-3 after 7 PAC-10 games. 2006: 4-3 after 7 PAC-10 games. He either means that 4-3 is "in contention" or he means 2 out of the last 6 years is "on a regular basis". Humorous."
"Lets talk about the real issue here. Again its Beaver jealousy. Beavers jealous of our relationship with Phil Knight. Beavers jealous of our facilities. Beavers jealous of our uniforms (yes, jealous of our uniforms, your insults fall on deaf ears until you stop wearing orange sports bras. I'd be jealous of anyone's uniforms if my team was wearing those). Jealous, quite frankly, that we have more money, power, and influence than you.
Translation: I'm obsessed with the Beavers and that's why I'm writing so much about them. I'm jealous of their superior on-field results. I really like their new uniforms, but I wish I could still make jokes about the old ones. However, I bet you're jealous of all the influence we wielded when we got Joey Harrington 4th place in the Heisman voting! Yep! I bet nobody from the Beavers has ever won one of those!
Yes, the style helps us a bit. But everything is better with substance. We've beaten the cream of the college football crop on a national stage (Texas, Oklahoma, Michigan). You've struggled against mediocre out of conference competition. And, ultimately, its that, more than Phil Knight of giant billboards, that people take us seriously and think of you as the little brother."
Translation: We like to say that our "style" gets us recruits, but everyone else in the country knows that it drives that many more of them away. The ugliness of our uniforms is...uh, the only thing that we're very good at on a consistent basis--year after year, we're at the top of that list--IF we ever had substance we might get recognized for...something positive that actually mattered in football. I already told you about what Kirk Herbstreit called us. See? He recognized us, and he even compared us to a girl--which is perfect--since we're the Beavers' little sister!!
Also, please remember that we've beaten: Texas in a football contest that happened in the previous century, Oklahoma 1 out of 3 times--and that one time--it was fair and square, as well as the team that lost to a 1-AA team the previous week!! Impressed now?
"The Emerald Bowl is cute, though."
Translation: Out of the type of insecurity that only comes along with years of inferiority, I'm trying to make fun of you for finishing ahead of my team in the conference table--as well as head to head--AND for winning a bowl game that we wish we could have played in ...considering that our lifestyle choices are more congruent (in the physical, geometric sense) with San Francisco, CA, but it's just coming off as jealousy.
Translation: No brain, no headache.
Lost in translation.