Mother's Day is next Sunday, and you've forgotten to plan something for your loving mom, haven't you? No one can blame you. What with spring football in full swing, the baseball team rising to number two in the country, and Blazer mania taking over, you can't focus on everything. But lucky for you, I have not forgotten. Because I am the best.
With my Mother's Day plans having been on the books for weeks, I've got more than enough time to help you schmucks out. So, for a truly unique and memorable gift, there's only one place to turn; eBay. Here's your shopping list:
Eastern Washington/Oregon State Ticket Stub - Want to relive one of the most painful losses in Beaver history? You sick sadist. Pick it up at a bargain though.
1978 Washington/Oregon State Game Program - Now you will never forget that memorable 34-0 defeat against the Huskies.
Game Used Johnny Hekker Road Jersey - Who knows, maybe this was worn in Hekker's memorable negative four yard punt game. Would definitely raise the value.
OSU Hand Knitted Stocking Cap - It's made with care, and doubles as an Oklahoma State hat.
2011 Football Pocket Schedule - What better way to commemorate the worst season in recent history? Lance Mitchell gets the honor of headlining the pocket schedule for a year the Beavers finished 3-9 in.
Mechanical Beaver Pom Pom Hand Puppet - As awesome as it is frightening. Just look at that lifelike Beaver face. That's the stuff nightmares are made of.
Game Used Cara Maxey Softball Jersey - I never knew there was a market for used softball jerseys. Shows you how smart I am. Maxey finished her senior season batting at a .151 average, so make sure you snag this bargain.
The Oregon Traveler Board Game - If your mom asks what the hell does this have to do with the Beavers, well, that's a good question. Both Eugene and Corvallis are located on the map though, so maybe the goal is to get out of Duck territory and up the valley. Try not to get pulled over for speed racing down the freeway though.
Drew Carney Oregon State Beavers Baseball Bobblehead - Um, nope. Not the right Beavers. What makes this even more confusing is the fact that Carney has never played professional baseball. That hair though!
Kendall Hunter Autographed Rookie Card - Seller's note: "This auction is for a 2011 UPPER DECK KENDALL HUNTER ROOKIE AUTOGRAPH AUTO 49ERS OREGON STATE". Fact checking is your friend, anonymous eBay card dealer. The caps lock key is not.
Battle of the Roses Shirt Size Small - Who cares if it may be a little tight. Or incredibly itchy. This is actually kind of cool.
Got Beaver Shirt - GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A SHIRT TO GIVE TO YOUR MOTHER.
Oregon State Happy Feet Slippers - Slippers are cool. Slippers are comfy. High tops are also cool. Makes sense to combine the two, right? Eh, no.
Oregon State Football Nutcracker - Might make a better Christmas gift. Or, no gift at all.
Beaver Golf Club Headcover - Oh God make it go away. This character is more of a gopher than a Beaver. "Excellent Near New Condition!!" says the seller. Yeah, except for the deformed neck.
Oregon State Naval Ring - Or nah.
Benny's Kids Club Size Youth Medium - Is that even Benny?
OS Snapback Hat - Once again, not the right OS. But if she doesn't look at the back, you might be able to pull a fast one over on dear mom. Side note; Can we all agree the Cowboy version of the OS is much better? And also, didn't we drop the "U" in OSU in order to distance ourselves from Oklahoma State and Ohio State? Looks like that didn't work.
Sean Mannion Signed Cleats - While this would make a great gift, man, how creepy is it to take a picture of a kid signing things for you? I know it's in the name of authentication, but still weird nonetheless.
Beaver On A Jetski Figurine - Actually the coolest thing on the list. I mean, who even thinks of this? Brilliant.
Oregon State Lifetime Mother's Club Membership Card - Nothing says Mother's Day more than another mom's lifetime membership card.
Oregon State MOM Pin - Sometimes the simplest gifts are the best ones.
h/t to Matt Takimoto for the idea.