It's Civil War week, and people across our great state will be comparing and contrasting the Beavers and the Ducks. To make things easier, here are the facts, and you can decide for yourself.
Top ten reasons the Beavers are better than the Ducks:
Beavers | Ducks |
Three-point stance before getting arrested |
Three-point SAT scores before getting admitted |
Mascot shares name with most highly sought-after thing in human history | Mascot shares name with squeaky rubber bath toy |
National Champion baseball team stole bases and hit home runs | Pac-10 Champion football team stole laptops and hit Broncos |
Town is a great place to grow up | Town is a great place to grow pot |
2006 football team goes "10-4" on the season, matching the feeling that life is "A-okay" in Corvallis | 2009 basketball team goes "7-11" in the Pac-10, matching the only place U of O graduates are qualified to work |
Students have ties, through Coach Craig Robinson, to President B.O. | Students have B.O. |
Lawns full of weeds | Dorms full of weed |
Fashion shows in Memorial Union | Fashion victims on the football field |
Mike Riley: Does more with less | Chip Kelly: Needs to eat less |
Researchers visiting Corvallis hope to witness the next major discovery in science | Researchers visiting Eugene grow eager to witness the residents' discovery of soap |
Top ten reasons the Ducks are better than the Beavers:
Ducks | Beavers |
Duck can do push-ups for every point scored | Stephen Hawking can do push-ups for every point scored |
Can't beat Boise State | Can't beat Washington State |
Way too intimate with Nike | Way too intimate with sheep |
Major shopping destinations include Valley River Center and Gateway Mall | Major shopping destinations include K-Mart and Bi-Mart |
Fans inspired to shout "I love my Ducks!" at football team's performance | Fans driven to shout obscenities at football team's performance |
In the middle of major facility expansions | In the middle of nowhere |
Team is on fire and the cheerleaders are smokin'! | Campus is on fire and the buildings are smokin'! |
Currently in the national news for great athletics | Currently in the national news for that stupid terrorist |
City buses scheduled to arrive every half hour | City buses arrive as scheduled, plus or minus a half hour |
Team invited to Rose Bowl in Pasadena and Holiday Bowl in San Diego | Team invited to Shogun Bowl across from campus and Highland Bowl on 9th Street |