A.P. EUGENE, Oregon, December 1st, 2008
Three University of Oregon players were arrested early Monday morning after one of the players vehicles was spotted driving in the campus area around 2:00 A.M. Jeremiah Masoli, Jeremiah Johnson, and LaGarrette Blount were arrested and charged not only with 1st degree theft (stealing a Rose Bowl game) but they were also charged with butt raping the Oregon State defense on Saturday night, in the home of the Beavers. The three players were responsible for nearly 95% of the teams total offense and six touchdowns.
Oregon State coach Mike Riley responds to the allegations, "Well, after reviewing the tape we realized that these guys were doing something illegal. They weren't playing football but rather they were running track."
Mike Bellotti, "I would never ask our guys to butt rape anybody, but in the history of butt raping, this one was sure the nicest"
While the investigation is still under way, it is believed that the three players used a lot of lube, as the Oregon State defenders just seemed to slide right off them anytime they got close. It is unclear whether any other players will be charged.
Sorry guys, had to do it.